Today was scary. And my immediate response was to default to my lizard brain, as opposed to what I’m working hard to practice–which is boss brain logic. I’m not a doctor, but I know pain is a symptom because I’ve fought hard to not be consumed by it and I have a really good doctor and a few really good friends… Melodramatic as it may sound, pain is pain…it hurts. Pain is a problem. And some pain is necessary for growth. Pain is meant to be listened to. I don’t even know where to start with the story of my pain. Right now I’m learning that I’ve got to stop denying myself the space to even feel it. Emotional pain is the worst. Child birth was by far easier than the visceral reactions I have to certain feelings from my own childhood. I struggled with self harm in my teen years because it took my attention off the pain I felt inside and because it felt like the most accurate description of the agony of my heart and person.
So to being honest…I was sad and scared today because my mom was sick and in the hospital. The worst fears seized me because my mom is my parent who stayed. Through the pain of my dads addiction, through the tough teen years and break ups, through my choice to quit school, through the cult days of my religious zeal, through the first days of bringing my babies home…my mom has been there for me. I got to be there for her today and honestly I was pissed because I would’ve chosen different circumstances. The sweet side to the bitter fears I felt today was that my brother and his family drove up from Atlanta and I held my nephew for the first time, it was a moment of heaven on earth. So it was hard, sweet, crazy, and out of my control…that’s real life.
I’m learning…I can do hard things. I rejoined cross fit a few days ago and I’m trying to play it cool because I want everyone there to like me. Im like a chihuahua in new social settings due to wiring and experiences but deep down I’m a golden retriever kind of friend. I’m so scared that I just won’t fit in and that alone is enough to make me not want to go…but I’m there because a tough a$$ woman I know does it half way across the world and this woman is a friend I can lean into, so in a strange way I’m at Crossfit because I want her support and she’s in Singapore so….I’m trying to lean into strength. Also it’s an intense sport which I need to work out to blow off steam. I choose to see it as an alternative to the unhealthy things I could do, think, or feel towards myself. And it’s a community but it’s not super churchy, so maybe I won’t abuse it like I have my other community/habits in the past. It’s like church minus church lady, think SNL Dana Carvy. So with all this progress and borrowing of strength I’m starting to believe I can do hard things. Today I didn’t want to do hard things but I chose to and I could’ve chosen to handle it slightly different. The moral of the story is…I’m learning that there’s hope, I’m feeling my way through things and relationships and life…and well that feels pretty damn good to say. And I know it’s not because I’m a super human but because I’m a human and I am still alive and that must mean something. I choose to believe it’s because God hasn’t given up on me or my family. And that He loves and believes in me and our future. And when I can’t believe that for myself I call someone who can believe for me.
So…tonight I took care of myself by sitting with my family around our newly finished dinner table. Tim spoiled me with my favorite wine cooler and two chocolate chip cookies, because we are working on moderation. We each took a verse from our bible verse bowl and mine was Isaiah 43:5 and Shiloh’s was the verse in Matthew about those who humble themselves before the Lord. These are the moments I live for and those are the words I choose to believe…even when the pain of my messy crazy life says otherwise. Maybe tomorrow I will see the results.